Triumph of the Liams Part IX: All Things Chipotle

    Since when does everything have to come in a chipotle flavor? Who made this decision, and don't tell me it was the consumer... this isn't some all knowing market force correcting itself because of some overwhelming public demand. Marketing is more likely to be the culprit. Because of some fluke focus group thousands of miles away now I have to be bombarded by ads telling me how chipotle is the hippest shit to eat. Well I'll tell ya, it's not that good. Wow, it's kinda spicy, but it doesn't taste any different than jalapeño... maybe I'm missing something. Did you take a good look at the image on the right? It may look like a benign box of "cheese straws," if there is such a thing, but before you commence to snackin' you should take note that they're packing some extreme chipotle flavor. I'm sorry, that'd actually be bodacious chipotle flavor... <liam>

    This isn't an anti Chipotle^® rant... well, some of it is, but that's later on. Mostly, my liam is with sheepish consumers and ahole marketers. How many people actually eat shit like cheese straws and think to themselves, "Gee, these could use a little extra kick. And by that I mean, I want someone to preseason them with so much chipotle powder that I can't taste anything after the first couple of bites!" Have you ever seen a chipotle pepper? On the right is a couple of chipotle peppers, not real appetizing stuff... But don't get me wrong, chipotle flavor has it's place. Put that shit on ribs, in salsa and in chili. That's where it belongs, there is no need to make chipotle flavored extreme ranch Doritos. Let Pringles try and market that flavor, they aren't above it.

Hey, Remember Cranberries?

    This same thing happened a number of years ago with cranberries. It seemed innocent enough, almost as if there had been a bumper crop of cranberries produced. There were always cranberry juice and dried cranberries but then all of the sudden cranberries sound there way into other juices and foods. Cranberries had no business being mixed with strawberries to be sold in gallon jugs to soccer moms. Brian Regan put it best, "I don't know what the hell is going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries sure is doing a great job… he’s showing up everywhere. Hey, you got some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. You got grapes? How about cran-grape! You got mango? Cran-mangos! You got pork chops? Cran-chops! Why don't you back off, cranberry man. Take your sales trophy and go take a vacation."

    History repeats itself. It's only a matter of time before Cranergy, the cranberry energy drink you just can't live without, is rebranded and sold to you as Chipotlergy, the chipotle infused energy drink you can't live without. Seriously, Cranergy... that's even worse than Cransplosion. I'm sure it's "rich with electrolytes," and other shit plants crave.

Chipotle Restaurants: The Edge of Reason

    I like Subway, it's not my favorite place to eat but I do enjoy a turkey or cold cut sub every now and then. I'm also fond of Mexican food. These preferences are mutually exclusive, which is to say, I wouldn't enjoy a Mexican Subway... and that's basically what the Chipotle chain is. For the uninitiated, Chipotle doesn't have standard Mexican food like enchiladas or even potato olés, they only have tacos and burritos. Here's the catch, you can't just order three tacos or a burrito; you have to tell these assholes how to do their job. It's just like Subway but without actual words like mayonnaise and cheese. "Do you want Barbacoa or Carnitas?" Hell if I know, just give me the one with the least amount of giardia in it. If you're serving beef or pork just call it what it is, don't bullshit me. It shouldn't be a chore to get your food from a minimum wage earning high school drop out.

    Honestly the worst part of Chipotle is the portions. I like to get my moneys worth just like any person but who really needs three pounds of diarrhea inducing burrito? People actually eat these for lunch, at professional places of business... it's mind boggling. Perhaps this is why the the dollar is at an all time low. All across the country business people are being sidelined with spicy diarrhea and unable to be productive after lunch time because they are busy defecating uncontrollably.

    Thanks Chipotle, thanks for ruining America...