Alright, who sent a memo to all the soccer moms and hipsters telling them it's cool to wear plastic shoes in public? These things have been around for a few years now but recently I've noticed that
everyone has a pair of
Crocs . Supposedly this monochrome petroleum polymer footwear is just so awesome that no one realizes they look like a retard while wearing them. And I don't mean a retard in the popular you're-acting-like-a-fool sense, but rather I mean retard in the actual mentally-retarded sense. Whenever I see someone wearing Crocs in public I can't help but think they've escaped from someone's protective supervision and they're on the lam, only they don't realize that they won't get very far because they are wearing plastic shoes...
Put a real pair of shoes on you hippie
When did real shoes become less cool than Crocs? I never got this memo, and if I did I probably would have scoffed at it. Real shoes are vastly superior to Crocs in every way imaginable. Here are a few example:
- Real shoes aren't plastic: Good luck wearing Crocs to a foundry...
- Real shoes come in colors found in nature: I've only ever seen Crocs that were bright neon colors (pink, purple, yellow, etc) and they are usually scuffed and dirty.
- Crocs are just clogs, there is nothing revolutionary about clogs: The Dutch have been making Crocs for at least a thousand years and they are smart enough to realize the novelty of clogs and market them to stupid tourists.
- Real shoes have laces: Why would you want to wear an oversized shoe that you can't even keep from slipping off. And don't tell me "but there is a plastic strap that goes around the ankle..." because I've never seen anyone wear that, it's always open-back all the way baby! <liam>
Just last week I was flying home from a business trip. On the airplane I was seated next to a hambeast wearing a couch-cover sized "Property of St. Louis Cardinals Athletics Dept." shirt (which was ironic for a number of reasons), knee length sweat pants and Crocs. I'm guessing that this airline didn't have the rule where you have to buy an extra seat if your ass is too big to be contained by the arm rests... either that or she bullshitted her way out of buying the seat next to her because we were totally rubbing thighs for an hour and a half while she inhaled one granola bar after another at thirty thousand feet. But back to the Crocs... Now, I realize a female hambeast such as this, with a couple kids in tow, can't be expected to put forth any effort to try and look presentable. It's a lost cause really. But like so much Christmas presents, it's the thought the counts. This lady's crocs and gym socks combo just reinforced my initial thought when I saw her, which was, "I wish wild predators were allowed to roam places like airports and malls." Hear me out: If hungry lions were on the prowl in the terminal at the airport people would think twice about wearing Crocs and flip-flops while they travel. You aren't going to out run anyone with either... No one is going to out run a determined lion carrying luggage anyways, but you really only have to out run the elderly and the morons wearing Crocs. Lions are lazy, they'll pick off the slowest of the heard. In this case it means your Crocs will be the death of you, and I think that's fair. If you're at the point in your life that you don't feel shamed by wearing shit like that in public then you obviously have nothing worthwhile to live for.
While we're on the subject...
Crocs have somehow avoided the trashy stigma that flip flops have rightfully earned. Neither of these footwear options are acceptable for public use. Keep that shit in the privacy of your own home. These really aren't even acceptable beachwear. You don't move any faster through the sand when you have a flimsy plank of plastic foam attached to the bottom of your foot. You're just increasing the amount of friction and drag caused by walking through the sand, it's counterintuitive and you look like a douche. Grow a pair and just barefoot...
Links:
[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crocs
[2] http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hambeast
[3] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-76
[4] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-577
[5] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-78
[6] http://purple4mee.blogspot.com
[7] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-102
[8] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-109
[9] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-123
[10] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-288
[11] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-290
[12] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-571
[13] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-572
[14] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-578
[15] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-573
[16] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-574
[17] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-575
[18] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-576
[19] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-1137
[20] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-1138
[21] http://blackenheimer.com/print/159#comment-1139
So... judging from this article, you must be completely opposed to any form of stiletto or other sexy woman-footwear???? And who goes to the beach to actually move fast at all? Whatever happened to relaxing? Are we that paranoid that we always have to be poised to run now?
You think that /real shoes/ have shoelaces? The last time I have seen anyone with any fashion sense at all wear SHOELACES it was at the gym or on a pair of $500 italian leather shoes that are more decoration than /real/.
Not that I don't disagree with you... crocs are hideous. However, judging my all this you must be some paranoid fashion-blind lesbian.
Everyone know lesbians love Crocs. And flannel. You homophobic idiot.
They are great when I'm walking the dog!
All I wear are clogs but not that garbage...
Agreed ... I fucking hate those stupid shoes. And he's right, Crocs and flip-flops make you look like the worst kind of slacker retard.
Agreed, only asshats, retards and douchebags wear crocks...
Well I don't care what you all say they are the most comfortable shoes i've ever worn. I work in a hospital where i am on my feet for 12-18 hours a day, and tennis shoes just don't cut it. They are just shoes. WTF did they do to you? NOTHING!
Seriously, you wear this shit in a professional setting? I hope you a patient dies because you can't get to the operating room fast enough because your stupid fucking plastic children's shoes slipped off. GROW UP AND LEARN TO WEAR REAL FOOTWEAR!!
Conform, conform, conform. YOU must CONFORM!!!
What's wrong with people wearing what they want? Hell, I could wear plastic bags around my feet and call them shoes if I want (and I have). Who are you to judge?
- Yes, you should NOT wear crocs in a foundry. Steel toed boots would be more appropriate. I would make fun of a foundry worker wearing crocs (or sandals or nike's) too.
- So half of all Nike's are not "real shoes" because they come in funky colors? Most NBA players are not wearing real shoes eh?
- I don't wear crocs to be revolutionary. I wear them because they are comfortable and protect my feet in everyday life. I first started wearing them because they were revolutionary in the sense that they were light weight (I was a gram-nazi carrying everything on my back walking across the country - yeah hippish, but I guess all the ex-military guys with me were hippies too?) and protected my toes.
- Lots of shoes don't have laces.
Hmm, crocs at a foundry make no sense, but at an airport make perfect sense. Easy to slip on and off through the TSA lines, and very comfortable to lounge around in.
Damn, you're so narrow minded. You might want to get out more. Can you believe in some places they wear WOODEN shoes! OMG!
They are ugly as fuck.....
But they are also as comfortable as fuck...
I'm so sick of the comfort versus beauty argument. Beauty has nothing to do with being comfortable. Comfort is for lazy assholes who have given up on presenting themselves correctly. After all, it's comfortable to wear pajamas, but I wouldn't wear them to a job interview, not even if I were seeking a job at a pajama store.
What's with the anti-slipper sentiment in that article? Never okay in public? Not even at the beach? That's nonsense.
I live in Hawaii, and wearing real shoes is annoying as hell. Rubber slippah ftw.
you wouldn't wear other clothing that makes you look like a retard in public, would you?
He said he was Hawaiian... they always dress like retards
If the writer is a guy, then he is gay.
No normal guy could be sooo opinionated abt shoes..
Comfort means everything. Fashion means nothing.
if you don't use your image in social situations, I highly recommend psychology and sociology 101.
"Real shoes aren't plastic: Good luck wearing Crocs to a foundry..."
i guess that rules out any tennis shoe that isn't made of leather or canvas.
"Real shoes come in colors found in nature."
i guess that rules out 75% of the shoes made by nike, reebok, adidas, et al., and at least half of all shoes made for women.
"Crocs are just clogs, there is nothing revolutionary about clogs."
chuck taylors are just sneakers. there's nothing revolutionary about sneakers.
"Real shoes have laces."
and here's where the blogger admits that he has no argument and no imagination; he just wanted to make fun of a fat person he sat next to on an airplane.